


A strange resemblance

by Emilia_Dre



Category: Captain America (Movies), Political Animals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26027977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilia_Dre/pseuds/Emilia_Dre
Summary: What would have happened if Captain America had met T.J. from Political Animals?
Relationships: Thomas "T. J." Hammond/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	1. Party at the White House

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still working on this and will post all of the chapters in the next few days

I had not at all wanted to go to the party in our honour at the White House, but somehow the others on the team had successfully talked me into it. Their argument that I had to go since I was Captain America hadn’t really made sense to me, though. I had still stopped arguing at some point and just agreed to go with Nat.

Now I was standing in a hotel room in Washington fumbling with my tie and asking myself why I was here for about the thousandth time. Nat’s aggressive knock on the door startled me and ripped me from my train of thoughts.

I took a last look at myself in the mirror and left the room. Nat was waiting outside. She was wearing a relatively simple black dress and black heels. I was pretty sure she was hiding a weapon somewhere but as long as she didn’t get us in trouble because of it, I didn’t really care.

“Are you coming?”

“I am.”

I walked over to the elevator behind her and we got in it.

We didn’t speak for most of the car ride to the White House. New York had not been too long ago, and I had only met her then, so we didn’t really have anything to talk about.

“I know you don’t really want to be here. But please, try to at least look like you’re enjoying yourself.”

She grinned at me before she got out the door and left the car. I sighed, put on a small smile and got out, as well. I walked around the car and offered her my arm. Together we made our way into the White House. All the rooms in which the party took place were packed with people of whom I knew no one. Someone, who’s name I had already forgotten again within the first few minutes, started introducing me to people. I tried to remember their names, but it was impossible. There were just too many.

Suddenly I had the urge to be back in New York in the 1940s. No one had taken an interest in me back then. No one had ever noticed me. I had always been able to just disappear when I didn’t feel like talking. And I never really felt like talking.

I didn’t feel like it now either, but there was no way for me to just disappear here. So, I put on a fake smile and made small talk with every person I was introduced to. I talked about the weather, the battle in New York, the modern world, and the weather again. Once I was asked about the second World War and the Howling Commando. And once about what my time in the ice had felt like. A question I couldn’t answer because I hadn’t been awake for most of it.

At some point I was introduced to the President of the United States and had to make small talk with him for some time. It was then that HE entered the room. I froze up in the middle of my sentence. Incapable of forming another coherent thought. Stumbling over my words, I tried to excuse myself. Then I just turned around and left the President standing there on his own. I looked around the room to find Nat. But she had vanished. Trying to not get the attention of HIM, I left the room. I needed to get out. Out of this room. Out of HIS sight.

I don’t know how, but I ended up in a bathroom. I locked the door behind me and sunk onto the floor. This couldn’t be. He was dead. And still, the man out there looked so much like him. Sure, he was a bit smaller and not as well trained, maybe. But the resemblance was striking and frightening. For a short moment I had been sure it was him. For the blink of an eye. But that was impossible. He was dead. He had been for decades.

I broke down a little more as the images came rising back to the top. The images of Bucky on that train. The images of the day I had lost the love of my life. The only human I had ever loved, apart from my parents maybe. The images of me not being able to catch him and of him falling. Falling so fast and far.

Tears started rolling down my cheeks and suddenly the face of this stranger who looked so much like Bucky started mixing with the pictures of Bucky. I realized I wanted to find out who that stranger was. Wanted to know why he looked so much like Bucky and what he was doing here. Somehow, I wanted to get to know him, but I was also afraid of talking to him. Afraid of the memories he would stir up.

“Steve, are you in there?” Nat’s voice was muffled through the door, but it still startled me.

“Yes. Give me just a second.”

I shook my head to get rid of the last images in my head that had mostly scattered when Nat started speaking. I slowly got up from the floor and walked over to the mirror. One could hardly see that I had been crying but I still threw a few hands of cold water into my face to get rid of the traces the tears had left on my cheeks. Then I rolled back my shoulders and left the bathroom.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Everything is fine. I just needed to use the facilities.”

“According to witnesses you spent the last half hour in there and you apparently looked like you had seen a ghost when you went in there.”

“Maybe I did see a ghost. This is an old house. Who says it isn’t haunted?”

Nat looked like she wanted to add something, but I just turned around and left her where she stood.

From that point forward I looked around every room before entering it. I always made sure he wasn’t there by looking over my shoulder. I wasn’t sure if people noticed how paranoid I was acting, but I didn’t care. Not meeting him and not being introduced to him was my number one priority. No matter how crazy it made me seem.

At some point I found out that he was the son of the Secretary of State. Apparently, his name was T.J. Hammond and he was just here because his mother had pulled some strings. I also heard rumours about him only being here for the free drinks and about him having a drug problem. I took all of it in and saved it somewhere. Frankly, those were the only information I saved over the evening. I didn’t even know why. But somehow, I still felt like I needed to know everything about him. Like I needed to know him. Maybe to make sure he wasn’t Bucky.

By the end of the evening I had gathered quite a lot of information about T.J. Hammond without talking to him. And I had managed to only see him once more after my breakdown in the bathroom. He had suddenly appeared at the other end of a room, which I had quickly left. This time after ending my conversation.

It was late, when Nat, who had disappeared and reappeared miraculously throughout the party, and I finally arrived back at the hotel. I was tired, exhausted and completely done with D.C. All I wanted to do, was to go to sleep and return home.

Not only home to New York but home to the forties. To my own world. Where I knew what to do and how to behave. But that wasn’t possible. I was trapped in this world, in which I knew no one and the people I had loved most were either dead or a 100 years old.

I had just changed into something more comfortable to go downstairs and work out in, since I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep no matter how tired I was, when someone knocked at the door. I flung the door open ready to bite Nat’s head of for coming back after I had told her to leave me alone and froze when I saw T.J. standing outside my hotel room. I swallowed my anger and took a deep breath to steady myself.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you. Can I come in?”

I realized he seemed to be pretty wasted, which was why it surprised me even more when I stepped out of the door and made way for him to enter the room.

“Why do you want to talk to me?”

We had stayed quiet for some time while I had walked over to the window. I was looking out of the window overlooking D.C. now and T.J. was sitting in one of the chairs.

“Why did you try and evade me the whole evening?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb. I saw the way you froze up and then fled the first time you saw me. And afterwards you tried to make sure not to be in a room with me for the rest of the evening. I’m not stupid. I know you tried to evade me. I just don’t know why.”

“And why exactly should I tell you anything about that? I don’t have to justify myself or my actions.”

“I know. I just hoped you would. Because I would have really liked to talk to you.”

“Why would you want to talk to me?”

“First of all, because I kind of like your story. And second, because I’d be really interested in how you feel in this crazy new century.”

“Why would you be interested in how I felt?”

“Because I was thinking about how weird it must be and about how out of place you’d have to feel. And even though I will never be able to fully relate to that, I feel like I’m not fitting in with this world often, as well. So, I guess I had just hoped that maybe finally I’d get to talk to someone who might be able to relate?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I was always the odd one out. I grew up in the White House. And while that would have been bad enough on its own, I was outed as gay against my will at the age of 15, as well. And after that everything just kind of went downhill and spun out of control. I guess, you know the rumours and they are pretty much all true. I just lost my place in the world after my outing and was never able to find a new one.”

“You’re gay?”

“Yes. Did you not know that?”

“No. To be honest, I was too busy with acclimating to this new world and didn’t spend a lot of time following the news. And when I had finally kind of arrived in this century, New York happened. So, I’m not really invested in what has been going on in politics. Or the sexuality of the children of politicians for that matter.”

“Then why are you this interested in me being gay now?”

“I’m not. It was just news to me.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know I can see there is something up, right? That you’re trying to work through something. That’s probably the reason you tried to evade me and also the reason you’re interested in my sexuality. And I know you have no reason to trust me or to tell me anything. But I promise that whatever it is, it will be safe with me. I won’t share it. I know what it feels like, when your secrets are spilled by someone else and I won’t do that to you.”

I took a deep breath and stared out of the window for a long time.

I knew I should probably not tell him about any of it. It had always been a secret and I should keep it that way. But on the other hand, I somehow believed him that he wouldn’t tell anyone. And I just needed to tell someone. I needed to get this off my chest before I’d burst under the pressure. And while I had not been able or allowed to get it off my chest in the forties and had not found someone to tell it, since I had woken up in the 21st century. Now there was someone who I actually felt like I could trust. Even though I didn’t know why I felt like that.

I took another deep breath before speaking.

“You know what, I’m going to go out on a limb here. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, but I need to tell someone and for some reason I feel like I can trust you. The reason I evaded you for most of the evening and why I reacted so extremely to seeing you, is that you resemble someone from my old life. Someone who meant a lot to me and who I lost back in the war. Someone who’s death I caused and who’s death I’ll never be able to get over. Someone who I was in love with back then.”

I fell silent for a while.

I had never told anyone about my feelings. I hadn’t even really admitted them to myself for the most part. I had always been so afraid that someone might find out. That the one thing I had fun at, being Captain America, would be taken away from me. Because in the second World War there would have been no way for me to stay Captain America if anyone had found out I was in love with Bucky. So, I had kept it to myself and it felt wrong to say it out loud for the first time. But it was unbelievably relieving to say it out loud, as well. For the first time this heavy burden lifted a little bit from my shoulder. Not only the burden of this secret but also the one of my part in his death and the guilt I felt for never telling him.

What didn’t feel good, was that T.J. had fallen silent. Which was why I simply started talking again. Just to fill the silence.

„Okay. I guess that was kind of convoluted. What I’m trying to say is that you resemble Bucky a lot and that I was in love with him back in the forties. And that this is the reason I reacted so extremely to seeing you. Because he died back in the war and it shocked me to see someone who resembled him so much so many years after his death.”

I only realized I had started crying when T.J. slung his arms around me to stop me from shaking. For a long while we just stood there. Tears streaming down my face while he just held me, his head resting against my back.

At some point I calmed down a little and took a deep, shaky breath. When I started talking again my voice was still hoarse and shaking from the tears.

“I just feel so unbelievable lost without him ,” w as all I was able to get out before my voice broke and new tears ran down my face.

“I know the feeling.” T.J.’s voice was quiet and hard to hear.

Probably because his face was still pressed to my back. I felt him lift it a little before he continued.

“Would you be okay with me staying here tonight?”, he asked, “I don’t really feel comfortable leaving you alone considering-”

He didn’t end the sentence, but he didn’t have to. I understood what he meant. And I was thankful he was offering to stay.

“I would actually appreciate not being alone”, I answered, my voice still hoarse, “I don’t think I can be alone right now.”

“Okay.”

T.J. pressed his face against my back again. And for another small eternity we just stood there in front of my hotel room window overlooking Washington. We stayed silent and slowly my tears stopped running down my face and dried, leaving small traces on my cheeks. T.J. had still locked his arms around me, and his face was resting against my back. I knew I would probably be able to free myself from his embrace if I wanted to. But I didn’t want to. It felt good that someone just held me. Because in this very moment for the first time in what felt like forever I didn’t feel alone.

I sighed deeply after a while, moving a little in T.J.’s arms.

“While I do think I could just stand like this for the whole night, I also think you might at one point want to lay down. So, how about we move towards the bed?”

“You want me to sleep in your bed with you?”

T.J. had lifted his head from my back to speak.

“Where else would I want you to sleep? The couch looks too small and too uncomfortable, the floor is out of question and there is more than enough space in the bed for both of us.”

The hotel room had come with a king-size-bed that had felt far too empty the night before prompting me to not catch an hour of sleep and to spend the night working out instead.

“Well, in this case, I’m all for moving this towards the bed. And since we’re at it, do you have some clothes I could borrow? I don’t really fancy sleeping in a suit.”

“Of course.”

T.J released me from his embrace, and I walked over to my suitcase and grabbed one of my shirts for him.

“I’d favour sleeping only in my boxers and a shirt if that would be okay with you. But if that makes you uncomfortable, I can obviously keep on my pants. Or you could borrow them if you’d like to wear pants.”

“I prefer boxers and a shirt, as well. So, that’s fine by me.”

I nodded, got rid of my pants and climbed into bed while T.J. took of his suit, his tie and his shirt as well as his shoes and socks before he slipped into my too big shirt and climbed into bed on the other side. I couldn’t help myself and couldn’t take my eyes of him, when he changed. Something he commented with a grin and a raised eyebrow.

It was awkward lying in bed together in a dark room. We didn’t touch at all. Both keeping to our own side as much as possible. It was silent, as well. All I could hear were T.J.’s slow breaths and someone shouting outside the hotel.

After a few minutes of lying awkwardly next to each other, T.J. cleared his throat.

“Would you mind if I came closer?”

His voice was quiet, and he seemed afraid to ask.

“I wouldn’t.”

I heard the bedsheets rustle before I felt him move closer to me. While he did move, he didn’t close the gap between us completely. Probably because he didn’t know if that would be okay with me. But I didn’t really know either. Still, I hesitantly moved closer to him to find out if that would be okay. Soon I felt his arm against mine. It took another couple of minutes lying there in complete silence before I put my arm around him and pulled him even closer. T.J. immediately took this as a sign cuddle up to me and put his hand on my shoulder closing even the last bit of distance between us. The warmth of his body against my own and the feeling of him cuddled up against my right side, his head on my shoulder and chest, made me slowly relax. I took a few deep breaths only now realizing I had held my breath before. I could feel T.J. relaxing, as well.

“Did you try to kill yourself?”, T.J. asked into the black of night a few moments later.

“What do you mean?”

“When you landed your plane in the arctic ice. Did you try to kill yourself?”

I hesitated a second before answering. I had never talked to anyone about these sorts of things. But I had already told him one of the biggest secrets of my life. So, why not tell him another one?

“I’m not sure.”

I knew that wasn’t a really satisfying answer, but it was the truth.

“In that moment so many things crossed my mind and I’m not sure, which of them made me land the plane in the ice. But the thought of not wanting to live anymore was definitely a part of it. And even more so was the fact that I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me if I’d finally be killed by something or if I’d have to continue my life. It just didn’t matter anymore.”

It was silent for a while and we both followed our thoughts where they lead us.

“I know this is probably not a satisfying answer. But it is an honest one.”

“Sometimes there isn’t a satisfying answer. But thank you for being honest.”

“You know, I did think of jumping of the train after Bucky, when he fell. With the clear intent of killing myself. Although I’m not sure whether I’d have succeeded since I’m not sure if that fall would have killed me.

“What stopped you?”

“I owed it to Bucky to win th e war. So, I moved every thought of suicide as far away as possible. And only in those last moments on the plane I let them back in again. Knowing I had only a limited number of possible actions. So, yeah, the thought of killing myself in the process of downing that plane into the arctic ice certainly played a role.”

“Have you ever thought of attempting suicide since you’ve been woken up from the ice?”

“Not really. I wanted to give this new world a chance first. And I’ve been quite busy since I was thawed.”

“I guess you have.”

Silence fell over the two of us again while we just lied there in the dark night, holding each other. It felt a little bit like we were drifting out on the ocean and the only lifebuoy we had was each other. But there was no panic as if we were drowning because miraculously, we were floating when holding on to the other. Every thought of panic, of fear, of hopelessness had just gotten up and left and I felt save with T.J. in my arms. And for the first time I felt as if I belonged where I was. I had no idea why or what it was, but I felt calm and not so lonely with him beside me. With him to hold tight. For a second, the thought of never wanting to let him go again, crossed my mind.

“I did try to kill myself once.”

I had just started to drift off to sleep when he raised his voice again.

“What? When?”

Somehow, he had startled me with that revelation and now I was wide awake and on high alert. Something in my chest tightened and I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“About six months ago, last December. I was desperate. I had had an affair with a married republican Senator and my mother’s party found out. They needed another vote for one of their bill s , so they blackmailed him into voting for it with the affair. He blamed me for it, broke up with me and told me all these bad things. He cursed me, he told me, he had felt dirty whenever he had left and that I was dirty. That I was a bad person for loving men. So, that night I drank a bottle of vodka, got into my car in the garage and turned the engine on, trying to kill myself.”

It took a while for me to sort my thoughts before I could answer.

“I’m so sorry.”

I couldn’t really think of anything else to say.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t the first time I got told something like that. I had to listen to similar things for most of my life. I just never had to hear it from someone I had been in love with. And who had told me he loved my a few hours earlier.”

“I’m still sorry you had and have to listen to so much shit. I know it can’t be easy. And you’re such a strong person for taking all of that crap.”

“What choice do I have?”

“None I suppose. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is a lot to take in or that you’re strong for taking it in. And I should know since I’ve never been strong enough to come out.”

“You will be one day. And you’ve mostly lived in the second World War until now. Things were different back then.”

“How can you be so sure about me coming out?”

“I just have a feeling.”

I pulled him even closer.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here. For listening. For telling me about yourself. For believing in me. It feels good, not to be alone.”

“It does. Doesn’t it?”

T.J. sighed and silence fell back over us. Slowly the tiredness from not sleeping well for too many nights crept up on me and I fell asleep. The calmly breathing and probably already sleeping T.J. next to me.


	2. The morning after

When I woke up, T.J. was still sleeping in my arms. He had seemingly not moved at all and his warmth against my body calmed me down. And had done so the whole night. For a while I just watched him sleep. He looked so relaxed, so peaceful with his eyes closed and a small smile on his face.

The face that looked so much like Bucky’s. And still now with the first light of the day and from close up I was able to find so many details where his face differed from Bucky’s.

A smile crept onto my face when he moved a little in my arms, sighing as if he was dreaming something. It seemed so unrealistic that just six months ago he had been so desperate that he tried to commit suicide. But who was I to judge? And besides, sometimes it was just like that. Sometimes you’d start contemplating suicide from one second to the next. Because everything that had made life worth living was ripped from you. I understood that better than anyone else.

I pulled T.J. a little closer and tried to get some more sleep. But while I wasn’t as restless as I had been for too long, I also couldn’t fall asleep again.

After a while T.J. shuffled in my arms. He yawned as he opened his eyes. For a few seconds he looked confused about where he was before the memory returned and he lifted his head from my shoulder to look at me.

“Good morning.”

I couldn’t help the dumb grin that made its way onto my face. His sight just made it appear. His hair was ruffled and his eyes where still small from sleeping. He also looked like he had a hangover. Like the light was a little too bright. I had seen that on Bucky’s face in the forties a few times.

“Good morning.” T.J. yawned. “Since I was drunk yesterday, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry if at some point I overstepped my boundaries.”

“You didn’t.”

“So, we’re good?”

“If you ask me, we’re more than good.”

As silence fell over us again, I couldn’t shake that one thought that had crept up on me yesterday, as well. The thought of not wanting him to go. Of not wanting to let him go. I knew it was dumb and I should under no circumstances even hope he might feel the same way. But still there was something about him. Something that calmed me down. That made me wonder what this brave new world might hold for me. And if maybe not all of it would be bad. And it wasn’t just because he looked like Bucky. That wasn’t it. Well, maybe there was some part of me that was projecting something into him. But the far bigger, and more important, part was me wanting to get to know a person I had a real interest in. It was me wanting to get to know someone who had a story to tell. A story I wanted to hear. And I couldn’t simply let him go like this. I couldn’t pretend this night hadn’t happened and forget how good it had felt to just be with him. Without the question of what or who we were. Without expectations. Just to people finding comfort in each other.

So, I did the only thing I could think of to make him stay.

“Breakfast?”

“Don’t you think it might raise suspicion and a few eyebrows if we go grab breakfast together?”

“Who said we’re going anywhere? There is room service in this hotel, and I plan on using it.”

“You’d still order breakfast for two, though.”

“Yeah. And? Do you really think someone will ask questions just because Captain America ordered breakfast for two? Besides, the government is paying for this whole trip and I think they have better things to do than look at how many breakfasts I ordered. And on top of that I’m betting Nat is already out and about and didn’t eat breakfast in the hotel. So, we can always just say it was for her.”

“I see, you’ve got it all figured out already” T.J. grinned. “Breakfast it is. But since the government is paying, let’s make them pay for everything they did to us and took from us.”

I started laughing at the thought of making the government repay us in breakfast.

“So, the whole menu?”, I asked still laughing.

T.J. had joined me in laughing and simply nodded.

I called down to the restaurant to order our breakfast before I moved back closer to T.J. who had sat up in the bed. Hesitantly I put my arm around him. It was one thing to do that in a dark room or to just keep the arm there after waking up. But it was another thing to put it around him in bright daylight. He commented my hesitant movement by putting his head on my shoulder and moving closer into my embrace.

“I didn’t get to ask this yesterday. Partly because I was just too overwhelmed to think of it. But do you want to talk more about your relationship with that Senator? Or would you rather not talk about it?”

This time it was T.J. who hesitated. I was able to see how hard it was for him to bring himself to talk about this.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.”

His voice was silent and shaking. It nearly broke with every word.

“I want to talk about it.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to rush him or make him uncomfortable. Instead I just put my hand on his right arm and started moving my thumb over his skin. Slowly, carefully caressing his arm to show him that I was there. That I would do what he did for me the night before and hold him if the memories got too overwhelming.

“I don’t even remember how we met. But I think it was at some kind of gathering in the White House. He immediately caught my eye. There was something about him that pulled me closer. I didn’t really know what it was, but it was strong. So, I somehow managed to find enough courage to get up and talk to him. And we talked for quite some time that evening. About a lot of things. We talked about me being gay for a while, as well. And we decided to meet again in a more private setting. I should probably mention that I was doing drugs at the time and was constantly high. Either way, we did meet a few days later in my apartment and we talked even more about so many things. That evening one thing kind of let to another and we ended up sleeping with each other. After that we met whenever he was in D.C. He’d come by when he wasn’t in Senate and we’d spend every free minute he had away from his family together. And slowly but steadily I fell in love with him. I had never felt something like that before and it was such a good feeling. He started telling me, he was in love with me, as well, and he promised me he would get a divorce. That he would leave his wife and his kids and move in with me in Washington. That he would come out at some point and we would be together officially. And I believed him. Because I wanted to believe him. But he never kept any of his promises. And while I gave him everything I had and even got sober and stayed sober because of him, he never gave up anything for me. And then came this fateful day shortly before Christmas last year. The day the Democrats used his secret gay affair against him and in the process turned him against me. My world crumbled when I realized how empty all of his promises had actually been. And I just gave up hope and my will to live. I had bound all of that to him. To the hope of us being together one day.”

T.J. had begun crying at some point and all I could think of doing, was to hold him close to me as he was shaking in my arms. I couldn’t even start to think of something to say. I had no words for what I just heard. So, instead of saying something I just held him and hoped that might help and maybe make him feel better. It had helped me yesterday, after all.

“I’m so sorry”, I whispered after a while.

I hadn’t been able to think of more but felt like I had to say something.

T.J. snuffled and leaned a little more into my embrace as if he needed my warmth and my body against his to calm him down.

He drew in a few deep breaths before he spoke again, his voice shaking.

“I know. Thank you. My mom found me after I had lost consciousness and called an ambulance. And while I’m not sure I will ever thank her for saving my life, I’m still sorry that it was her. After I left the hospital I never really recovered. I relapsed and I’ve been taking drugs and drinking too much again ever since. I just can’t stand life without it anymore. I know that’s bad. But that’s what it is.”

“I’m so sorry.”

My voice almost cracked as I spoke, and I had a big lump in my throat.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like this.”

We just sat there next to each other for a while. Holding on to each other to make sure the other one knew he wasn’t alone. That there was someone there to hold him tight. I had this feeling again of floating in an ocean with either of us being the other one’s lifebuoy.

After what felt like an eternity of holding on to each other, there was a knock at the door.

“Room service”, a voice outside called out.

I let go of T.J. to get up and go to the door, while he disappeared into the bathroom. What followed then was two staffers bringing in a lot of food. At some point I almost had to laugh at the absurd amount of food we had ordered. We would be able to live from that until I had to leave tomorrow evening and probably still have leftovers. And while I usually wasn’t a fan of wasting stuff, especially food, it was a tiny bit satisfying to know we would make the government pay for all of it.

I knocked on the bathroom door, when the staffers had left again. I was now wearing jeans and a fresh shirt. T.J. had apparently washed his face while he had hidden in the bathroom. Unlike me he erupted into laughter when he saw the mountain of food that was stacked in my room. He grabbed the pants of his suit while he made his way over to the table and put them on before sitting down next to me. He was still wearing my shirt and the look made me smile.

“I guess, we really will make the government pay for everything they took from us”, he laughed as he moved his cup of coffee to his lips.

“Yes. And we could have ended each and every food shortage in the war with that amount of food.”

“I guess we could have. But sadly, we’re no longer living in the war. Though I’m not actually sad about that. I would have made a shitty soldier.”

“You would have found another way to serve your country. But you know, I might miss the people from back then like hell and I might still yearn for Bucky by my side, but I’m not too sad to not live in a war anymore, either. Most of the time I only miss the people not the actual fighting. Or the war.”

“So, no glorification of the great war.”

“Yes. Nothing about the war was great. Yes, I was eager to fight for my country. My dad had done it, my best friend was doing it and I felt like it was my duty to do it. But war is, well it’s bad, it’s bloody and muddy and there are people dying everywhere and you don’t even know if anything you’re doing helps. So, yeah. There is nothing great about war.”

“It’s kind of unexpected to hear something like this from someone like you. I’d have thought you’d actually glorify it more.”

“Well, what am I supposed to glorify when there is nothing to glorify?”

“I guess you’re right about that.”

We fell silent while we started eating our breakfast.

“I think I’m about to burst.”

T.J. sighed after a while. We had managed to eat more than I had thought possible but there still was a massive amount of food on the table.

“Me, too. How about we take a break.”

T.J. nodded and leaned back in his chair.

“So, how long are you planning on staying in Washington?”

“We’re leaving tomorrow in the late afternoon or early evening. How long do you plan on staying here?”

“With here you mean-?”

“This hotel room obviously. I’m going to need help with all the food we ordered to make the government repay us.”

“Under these circumstances I plan on staying here until tomorrow. I would however shortly return home to get a change of clothes and a toothbrush.”

“Okay. Though I will be sad to see you in a shirt that fits. I quite like this oversized look. Do you think it is save for me to come with you?”

“I think we could risk it if there is a backdoor here.”

“There always is a backdoor. And even if there isn’t a backdoor, we’ll probably be able to find a window that will suffice.”

“You want me to jump out of a window?”

“I want you to climb out of a window on the ground floor. I’m not trying to kill you.”, I laughed and soon T.J. joined me.

After a while, I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face and get ready to leave. When I came back T.J. had put on his suit again and held one of the base-caps from my suitcase in his hands.

“You know that this isn’t a disguise?”, he asked me.

“I never said I’m using it as one.”

“Yeah you do.”

This time it was T.J. who started laughing first and me who joined in.

A few minutes later we left the hotel room with me wearing that base-cap. I had put the ‘Do not disturb’-sign on the doorknob before we snuck out of the hotel through the backdoor. And T.J. didn’t seem too unhappy about the fact that he didn’t have to climb through the window.


	3. New York, New York

It was late when I finally made it to my Brooklyn apartment. I had been on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission for the past three days and was exhausted. Nat and I had spent the flight back to New York in silence, which was surprising since Nat usually always talked.

Normally she was taunting me for my sex life or rather the lack there of. Or for me still not looking for a girlfriend and not mingling. As much as I liked her and the relationship, we had been able to establish over the last few months, sometimes she annoyed me with her weird obsession with my love life. Which was the reason I never talked to her about it. Not that there was much to tell. But I didn’t tell her about Bucky or T.J., either. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling her I was gay and the things that would ensue. So, I didn’t. Instead I let her think I was straight and lived with her teasing me for not having a girlfriend. Something I didn’t want.

A smile appeared on my face when I walked up the last flight of stairs to my apartment and saw T.J. sitting there on the top step. He had fallen asleep and his head was resting against the wall next to him. I crouched down before him and woke him up by touching his arm. His head shot up immediately and a smile appeared on his face, as well, when he saw me.

“You’re home.”

“I am. How long have you been sitting here?”

“Long enough to fall asleep, apparently.”

He grinned at me.

“Okay. Come on. Let’s get you inside.”

I held out my hand and helped him get up on his feet when he grabbed it. Then I pulled T.J. up the last step and into my flat. I didn’t really want to let go of his hand. And he didn’t seem to want me to let it go, either. Since we were both wearing boots, we still had to grudgingly do so to take off our shoes.

“Do you want something to drink or eat?”, I asked as I went over to my kitchen.

It was only there that I realized I hadn’t been home in three days and there was nothing in my fridge.

“If you want something to eat, we have to order, though. I’ve got nothing in my fridge. I wasn’t really planning on having a visitor.”

“That’s okay. How about Chinese?”

T.J. had made his way into my bedroom. Probably to put down his bag. He had been here once before in the two months since we met, so I trusted him to know his way around.

“Chinese sounds great.”

We ordered our food and made ourselves comfortable on the couch. I was sitting on one end with T.J.’s head in my lap, my hand on his head and stroking his hair.

“You look tired.”

It wasn’t even a question. It was simply a statement. And something no one except for him ever seemed to notice.

“I am tired. I thought getting back into the fight headfirst would do me good. But I’m tired of fighting. Especially since I’m not sure I’m fighting for a cause worth fighting for.”

“Then stop fighting. Or at least take a break until you’ve figured out if it’s worth fighting for.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It is. I know you think you owe something to S.H.I.E.L.D. May it be because Peggy founded it or because they unfroze you. But you don’t. You don’t owe anyone anything except yourself. Because you do owe it to yourself to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see. You owe it to yourself to fight those fights you believe are worthy to be fought. Believe me that isn’t easy and it’s a long and hard road until you get there. But it is the only thing that is important. Trust me, it’s a lesson I’m also still learning.”

“But-”

“No buts. Believe me, you’ll never be happy if you don’t learn this.”

“And what if I come to the conclusion that I can’t fight for this anymore?”

“Then that is what is right for you. Then you retire and find something else.”

“But I’ve only ever been fighting. Or fighting to be allowed to fight. Or preparing to fight.”

T.J. sat up next to me and looked me straight in the eyes.

“You will find something.”

His voice was calm but serious and I knew he meant every word.

“Will you help me?”

“Of course, I will.”


	4. Second chances

It was late Sunday evening and I was lying on T.J.’s couch. My head rested in his lap and he was stroking my hair, his fingers tangling and untangling strands of hair between them. It had been a quiet weekend and we had spent it mostly in his D.C. flat together.

“Do you really have to leave tomorrow?”

I knew he had tried to get around this topic for most of the weekend by not talking about it.

“You promised you would take a break.”

“I know I did. And I will. I told you this is my last assignment.”

“You told me that about the last two assignments, as well. This is the third time you’re promising it’ll be your last. And by now I find it hard to believe you since you’re always making up excuses to go back.”

“I know. But they need me one last time.”

“Until they need you the next time, as well. If you don’t start standing up for yourself this won’t stop. And you’ll go back again and again.”

“I won’t. I told Nick that this is going to be my last assignment and that I’ll be turning in my phone after this. Because this time I mean it. It’ll be the last time and I won’t go back until I’ve taken a break and decided that fighting for S.H.I.E.L.D. is how I want to spend the rest of my life.”

“Okay. Then one last time I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you. However, if you break this promise again, I’ll be done with you. I won’t keep on watching you destroy yourself again and again. Either you mean it this time and take a break, or I’ll be gone.”

I didn’t have to open my eyes and look at him to know he meant what he said. And he was probably right. While I was afraid of losing him and had lost myself already, I had still gone back to fighting. In the three months since he told me to take a break, to stop and think about what I wanted from this second chance at life I had been given, I had been on six different assignments.

No matter where I had been, I had jumped up and gone whenever Nick Fury called me. And it had drained me. With every fight, every assignment I had felt myself slip away more and more. I had the feeling that my life started spinning out of control and I couldn’t get a grasp on it. Couldn’t stop it. I needed to get the control over my life back to stop feeling like a puppet. And yes, it had taken me a while to finally get that. But now I meant it and I planned on keeping my promise. Because loosing T.J., the only anchor I still had left in my life, scarred me even more than what the public might say about me taking a break or how S.H.I.E.L.D. would react. So, I had talked to Nick who had been really understanding of me having to take a break and had prepared everything for this being my last assignment.

In the past months T.J. had tried to get me to leave New York and Washington behind at least for a while again and again. And now, unbeknownst to him, I had booked a flight for the both of us for the day after my last assignment one week from now, to take him on an extended vacation through Europe. He had talked about going there quite a lot, after all. And a vacation would hopefully do both of us some good. Because I would get out of the claws of S.H.I.E.L.D. for a while and he would get out of Washington. Something he needed just as much as I needed a break from fighting. Even if he would never admit that.

We never really talked about it, but I could see the toll that living under the pressure of being him in D.C. took on him. Just like I knew he wasn’t clean or sober for the most part. It might have gotten better over the time we had known each other, and he seemed to need less and less drugs to stay sane, but he was still using. And he was no good at hiding it from me.

I had tried to talk to him about it, but he had made it quite clear that he wasn’t comfortable with it whenever we were to talk about that. So, I had shut up and simply tried to make sure he knew I’d be there if he ever wanted to confide in someone.

“When will you be done with the assignment?”

T.J.’s voice snapped me from my train of thoughts.

“A week from now. At least that’s the plan at the moment.”

“Will you come back here or go to New York?”

“If it is okay with you, I’d come back here.”

“Of course, that’s okay with me. I enjoy having you here.”

“And I enjoy being here. Well, I enjoy being in New York, as well, to be honest. And most of all I enjoy being with you no matter where.”

“What are you trying to say? Or rather are you actually trying to say something?”

“I think I am.”

I sat up to better be able to look at T.J. but ended up looking down at my hands instead.

“I think, what I’m trying to say is that I like you. I know I’ve been exhausting your patience because I’m breaking my promises again and again. And I’m sorry for that. Especially since you’re so unbelievable patient and I don’t feel like I’m the same with you. You’ve been an anchor for me ever since we met, and I’d never want to miss you from my life again. But I also feel as if I haven’t been the same for you. I haven’t been able to do for you what you’re doing for me. To keep you sane and just be there for you. Always. With no questions asked and without hesitation or a second thought. I want to be that for you, as well. But I’m not sure if I can be, because frankly I’m not sure how to be. I never had to be there for someone like that. Because the only person for whom my feelings had at all matched my feelings for you died before I got a chance to do something. So, I guess, what I’m trying to say is that you are really important to me and I’ll try to be better. I promise.”

“You’ve promised a lot of things lately. And to this day you didn’t keep one of those promises.”

“I know.”

I didn’t dare to look at him. Didn’t want to see his face probably full of disappointment.

I knew I had been doing it all wrong, but old habits die hard and fighting had always been the most important thing in my life. Which meant I had found myself drawn back to it whenever I didn’t know how to go on. Besides, it had taken a long time for me to realize how important T.J. was. How much he meant to me. And that it wasn’t just because he looked like Bucky. And now it was probably too late to get him to give me another chance.

“You broke a lot of promises”, he repeated, “But I told you earlier that I would give you the benefit of a doubt one last time. And I plan on doing that, because you mean a lot to me, as well. We both haven’t been perfect. We’ve both been making mistakes. That’s only human. We’re all flawed, after all. So, if you mean everything you just said and if you come back here in a week, finally willing to take a break, I will give us another chance to figure all of this out. To figure out what exactly we feel for each other and where we want to go from here.”

“You would?”

I finally lifted my head only to see T.J. smiling at me and somehow that told me everything I needed to know in this very moment.

“I would.”

He reached out for my hands and pulled me a little closer.

“I couldn’t forgive myself if I wouldn’t.”

I sat there completely still and unable to move, as he slowly, gently put his right hand on my cheek and pulled my face closer to his own. Hesitantly he put his lips on mine and kissed me. It was a short kiss. Over again as soon as our lips had touched, but it was more intense than anything I had ever experienced and sent my heart racing. Even though he parted his lips from mine, he stayed close. Our foreheads resting against each other, I felt his breath on my lips while the warmth of his lips still lingered on my own.

“I would never forgive myself if I‘d let you go now”, he whispered.

This whisper was all it took, and silent, hot tears started rolling down my cheeks, landing on our hands between us.

“I can’t lose you. Not you, too.”

It was almost not hearable through my tears.

“I know.”

T.J. moved his right hand a little to try and catch some of my tears with his hand. Caressing my cheek while he did so.

“I know you can’t. So, please, just come back to me next Sunday.”

“I will.”

And this time I meant it with every bit of my heart. I meant this promise and I would keep it.

We stayed on the couch for a long time. Our foreheads touching and tears still rolling down my cheeks. T.J. had let go of my right hand and placed his left hand on my cheek, as well. Caressing it as he caught the tears that didn’t seem to want to stop flowing. At one point we finally made it to bed. He cuddled up to me and I fell asleep holding him in my arms just as I had done so many nights before. But this time something felt different. Something had changed.

I got up early the next morning. I let go of T.J. who had mostly kept the nightmares away as he always did when we slept holding each other.

I had never asked him what he usually dreamt about when he suddenly seemed restless in his sleep or jerked awake in the middle of the night. And neither had he. Our nightmares were another one of those things we didn’t talk about. Just like we didn’t talk about Bucky, or his Senator, or his suicide attempt. I guess, we were both just afraid of opening old wounds. And of making ourselves vulnerable. But I needed to talk about these things, nonetheless. I needed to get all of it off my chest. No matter how afraid I was. One day I would have to share all of it with T.J. And I planned on doing so as soon as I got back.

I dressed and gathered my things as quiet as possible, since I didn’t want to wake T.J.. When I had everything, I got a pen and a piece of paper from his desk.

‘`Thank you.’ I wrote. ‘For being there and for giving me another chance. I’ll see you Sunday. And don’t get a job until then. I’ll need you free of any commitments when I get back.’

I put the notice on his nightstand and left.

I had known I would really take a break from S.H.I.E.L.D. before yesterday. But somehow the kiss had still changed everything. Not only was I now absolutely sure I would take a break. I also had a feeling it might become more than just a break. Because for the first time in what felt like forever, I had something else in life that meant more to me than fighting. I finally had a cause worth fighting for. And more than ever I wasn’t sure if physically fighting would be the right way to go about this.


	5. The last assignment

“Hello Steve, how did the assignment go?”

Nick Fury was sitting behind his desk when I entered his office in the S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters late on Sunday evening.

“Hello, Sir. It went all according to plan.”

I hesitated just a second then I went over to his desk and put down my phone on it.

“Here you go. My official phone.”

“So, you mean it? You’re going to take a break?”

“Yes. I need to do this. I can’t go on like this and I need to think about how I want to go on and where I want my life to go.”

“I understand that. You’ve been given a second chance and you need to think about what to do with it. And I respect that. Tell me what you’ve decided on when you’ve reached a decision. And whatever it’ll be, I’ll respect your decision.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

“No. Thank you. You served this country so many times. And we’ll have to respect your decisions.”

“Thank you.”

I waited for another second before I turned around and left the office. Slowly I made my way downstairs to the garage.

As I drove outside on my bike, I stopped, got off and looked back on the building with a heavy heart. Even though I hadn’t decided on anything yet, I knew that this was the end of an era. No matter if I came back or not something would change. Because something already had. And I had a feeling that not only something, but everything would change in the next few weeks.

I got back onto my motorbike and drove off towards D.C. I didn’t look back over my shoulder again to the building, in which now the one thing I used to call my identity was resting. I had left my Captain America outfit with S.H.I.E.L.D.

The heavy heart got mixed with a feeling of joy and of finally being free. And when I arrived at T.J.’s flat I knew I had made the right choice. I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I took two steps at a time as I walked up to his flat and a big smile made its way onto my face when I saw him standing there in his door.

I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even think about it. Is just wrapped my arms around him, pulled him close and kissed him. When we parted again, T.J. was smiling, as well.

“You came.”

“Of course, I did. I promised I would.”

“You promised you would stay so often that I was prepared for the eventuality of you not coming.”

“I know. But this time I mean it. I’m here to stay.”

I pressed my lips down on his again, pushing him a little so he walked backwards into his flat.

“What changed?”, he asked as I took of my shoes and my jacket and put down my bag.

“Everything. Everything changed. And you know that just as much as I do.”

“I do. But I needed to hear it from you.”

“I know.”

T.J. took my hand and pulled me into his living room and onto his couch. He sat down, I put my head into his lap, and he started stroking my hair. This was by far our favourite way of spending our evenings together.

“What did you mean in your notice from Monday, by the way? Do you have something planned for the next weeks for the both of us?”

“I do. How would you feel about a vacation?”

“You want to go on vacation with me? Where?”

“I do. And I know that it’s going to be Christmas soon. And if you want to be back for that, I’d understand that. But I was thinking about spending Christmas in Europe with you?”

“Believe me, there is nothing I’d want more than that.”

“You’re in?”

“I’m in. I think it might do me some good to get away from here, as well. And to be honest, Christmas in my family is draining. Especially after what happened last December. I don’t think I can do that this year.”

“Well, in that case I booked a flight for the two of us for tomorrow afternoon.”

“Where are we going?”

“I thought we would start in London and just see where it takes us from there.”

“Oh, I’m so in.”

T.J. leaned down to me and kissed me.

When we went over to the bedroom later that evening, he decided he’d start packing. I just stood there in the frame of his bedroom door and watched him, while he pulled all his clothes out of the closet to decide, which he would take to Europe. A big grin had made its way onto his face and I had never seen him this excited.

Apparently, I had finally done something right. And I had been right that he wasn’t really looking forward to spending December and Christmas in D.C.. That there was much more going on around Christmas than he could bare. He had never said that explicitly, but I had always suspected it from the way he talked about Christmas. And I could understand that. Probably better than most. After all I had the same problem with spending Bucky’s birthday in New York. That was something I hadn’t been able to bring myself to do.

I was glad I had made the right choice by taking him far from this place for Christmas. And I was excited what our vacation would bring for us. This was the beginning of something new, after all. Something unexpected. But most importantly something great. I had a feeling about that. And that feeling was the best thing I had felt in a long time.

It took almost an eternity for T.J to pack. He packed and unpacked his suitcases more than once in that time. Then, I was already getting tired and thinking about simply going to bed without him, he finally decided he was now happy with what he had packed. He came over to me, I had shifted places from the doorframe to the bed at some point, and sat down next to me. I put my arm around him and pulled him close to me.

“You know, this is going to be my first vacation since I was found.”

“I know.”

“And I’m really happy, I’m going to get to spend it with you. And that I’ll get to spend Christmas with you, as well. You are the most important person in my life, after all.”

“And I’m looking forward to spending Christmas with you, since you are important to me, as well. And I’m looking forward to finally getting away from here. I have a feeling that’s just what I need.”

“I’m glad you feel like that. It means I made the right decision when I booked the flights.”

“You did. Maybe you know more than I thought you did.”

“What do you mean by that.”

“Well, I’ve always tried to shut certain things out. To not tell you certain things. Because I was ashamed of them or because the wound was still too fresh and hadn’t healed properly. But I think you might have realized more than you were supposed to.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No, it’s a compliment. It means you not only listen to me, but you also notice when I feel uncomfortable without me having to say it.”

“Thank you, I guess. Since we’re talking about it, if you ever decide you do want to talk about those things. I’ll be here and I’ll listen.”

“Thank you. And I will tell you everything one day. I’m just not there yet.”

“Just as I am not there yet when it comes to a few things. That’s okay. We have time to get there. There is no rush and I don’t plan on going anywhere without you in the foreseeable future.”

“I guess we do have time.”

I turned around to him to kiss him.

“We have. We have all the time”, I whispered between two kisses.

And I meant it.

We had all the time in the world. All the time we needed to figure out what all this meant. What we were. Where we wanted to go from here. And to get comfortable enough with each other and ourselves to be able to finally talk about everything. We had all the time.


	6. Two lovers in the city of love

The morning sun creeping in through the curtains woke me up. It was Christmas Eve and our fourth week in Europe had passed.

We had spent three weeks in London to explore the city. A week ago, we had left England and moved to France. We had taken the train and simply gotten off whenever we had seen something we liked, which was why it had taken us a week to make it to Paris. We had arrived here yesterday right on time for Christmas Eve.

T.J. was still sleeping cuddled up to my side, his face buried in my chest. And I stayed still to not wake him up. After a while I started playing with his hair while just watching him sleep. I liked the relaxed and peaceful way he looked when he was deep in his world of dreams and far away from the real world out here.

It took another hour for him to wake up.

“Good morning.”

“Morning.”

He yawned and blinked into the bright morning light. Then slowly he sat up. A sleepy smile on his face he leaned over to me and kissed me.

“What is the plan for today?”, he asked when we parted again.

“I thought about exploring Paris. I booked a table for dinner in a small restaurant. So, nothing much out of the ordinary.”

“It sounds like a good plan for the day. I do need breakfast first, though.”

“I saw a few cafés on our way to the hotel yesterday. Maybe we could grab breakfast at one of them.”

“Sounds great.”

He got up and walked over to the bathroom. In the door he stopped and turned around.

“Are you coming?”, he asked with a big grin on his face and a raised eyebrow.

“Definitely.”

I jumped out of our bed and followed him to the bathroom.

After we had found a place to have breakfast at, we spent the day exploring Paris. We visited the Eiffel Tower, walked along both the river Seine and the Champs Elysee, and strolled through Montmartre, since I had read that it would be nice during the Christmas time. We enjoyed the brisk winter air and the sun, that showed itself from time to time, holding hands all the time and sometimes moving closer together to warm each other.

The smile that had been plastered onto T.J.’s face ever since our first day in London grew bigger with every passing hour and he seemed happier and more relaxed than I had ever seen him. He seemed to bloom with every day we spent away from Washington and it filled my heart with joy to see him like this. To see him finally happy. And to see him enjoy something.

While he was still drinking alcohol to a sometimes worrying degree, he seemed to not be doing drugs. Or he had gotten better at hiding it since I at least didn’t see him take any.

I knew that didn’t mean he was clean or even on his way there. It just meant maybe one day he could be. That there one day might be something else that was strong enough to keep him sane. And I hoped that something might be me. Because he was doing the same for me, after all.

We were walking alongside the Seine again and the sun had already set, when we came by the ‘lock-bridge’. Without a second thought I took his hand and pulled him into the small shop that sold the locks and was still open.

“Hello and Merry Christmas”, the shop owner greeted us.

“Merry Christmas. We’d like to buy a lock.”

“Certainly.”

We hung out for a little small talk while the man engraved the lock with our initials and wished him Merry Christmas again, before leaving the shop a few minutes later.

I pulled T.J. onto the bridge and found a place to hang our lock. Together we did so.

“You know this is the most cliché thing you ever did?”

T.J. laughed.

“I do. But I don’t care.”

“Good thing. Neither do I.”

I hesitated a second before saying the next sentence. It had been coming over the past few weeks now but we both still hadn’t said it. And I knew saying it right here and now was even more cliché, but I wanted to say it. I needed to.

“I love you, T.J.”

It stayed silent for a while and I was just getting ready to panic when a big smile appeared on T.J.’s face.

“I love you, too. I’ve been in love with you ever since I first saw you in the White House six months ago.”

He slung his arms around me, and I leaned down to him to kiss him.

“It took me a little longer to figure it out, to be honest.”

I said as we watched the river beneath us into which the key to our lock had just disappeared.

“Although I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you on our first evening together. It did cross my mind already back then that I didn’t want to let you go ever again. I just didn’t realize why I didn’t want to let you go back then. Figuring that out took me quite some time. Well, it took me until our first kiss to really realize I was in love with you.”

“That’s what I thought.”

T.J. laughed as he slipped his hand into mine and we walked down to the river path again.

“Was the kiss the reason you decided to finally take a break for real this time?”

“No. I knew it was going to be my last assignment before the kiss. I had already realized that you mean a lot to me and that I’d lose you it I didn’t finally take a break. I had booked the flights before, as well.”

“Okay.”

“I did what you wanted me to do, by the way. I thought about my future.”

“And what came of it?”

“First of all, I know now that my last assignment really was the last one. I won’t be going back to S.H.I.E.L.D., I can’t do that. I’m no longer Captain America and if I’m honest I haven’t been since I downed the plane. Secondly, I want to move away. Away from New York. Away from the East Coast. Maybe even away from America. And mostly away from the attention and publicity that comes with me being or not being Captain America. And I had hoped you might come with me.”

“I will. I’ve been thinking about leaving Washington and everything it represents behind for a long time. And with you I feel like I might finally be able to do that. So, yeah, I’ll go with you.”

“Thank you. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

We strolled along the Seine quietly for some time. And while we had said a lot of things there were just as many things unsaid.

“You know how you said you don’t feel like you were able to save me? That you always felt like I saved you, but you weren’t able to save me?”

“Of course.”

“I think you’re in the process of doing exactly that. I know you feel like you’re not there for me enough. But I was in a really bad place when we met. I didn’t have my life under control after what happened last December. And frankly I don’t think I would have been able to go on much longer the way I had been living. But when you came into my life, something changed. It did and will still take a long time until I’m okay. And I don’t yet know that I will ever be okay again. But I’m on my way there. And you are the reason for that. You’ve been the anchor around which I stabilized my life. And yes, I know that was probably not the best idea considering what happened the last time I decided to find an anchor. But it somehow feels different with you and you’re capable of keeping me sane. You know, I haven’t been doing drugs since we came here. Which means the past four weeks have been the longest I’ve been clean in a year. Something you have a big part in.”

“Thank you for telling me this.”

“You’re welcome. I understand that you worry about not being good enough. For this world. For me. As a boyfriend. But you are. And you don’t have to be Captain America or perfect to be good enough. You are good enough as Steve. As the flawed human being we all are. And I’d never want to miss you from my life ever again.”

He paused and looked at me.

“I guess I just needed you to know this.”

“Well, I think I needed to hear it. Thank you.”

We kept on walking. Holding hands with each other and following our thoughts wherever they lead us.

Maybe we would be able to make this work. Maybe we would be able to save each other. To be there for each other. To both be okay again.

When the time came, I lead him to a small restaurant in the city centre of Paris where I had booked a table for the both of us. I knew all of this was almost disgustingly romantic, but what could I say. T.J. was my first boyfriend, at least that’s what he called us earlier, and this was our first Christmas and I wanted everything to be perfect. I needed everything to be perfect.

“I wanted to ask this earlier, but I was kind of afraid to”, I said shyly after we had sat down, “But are we in a relationship now? You did call me your boyfriend earlier.”

“Why shouldn’t we be in a relationship?”

T.J. laughed.

“I love you. We spent the last four weeks on a trip through Europe together, holding hands, kissing and doing everything boyfriends do. You bought us a lock to put on the ‘love-bridge’. From my point of view, we’re definitely in a relationship.”

“That’s good to know.”

“What did you think we were?”

“I don’t know, I guess I just wasn’t sure.”

“Well, then it’s good we talked about it.”

“Yeah.”

T.J. was still laughing, and I couldn’t help but join in. I grabbed his hands across the table while doing so. Just wanting to feel him and his warmth.

Maybe I would never have to let him go again. Maybe he was right and what we had was enough. Enough to save both of us.


End file.
